Twenty-Four

blogger-image--115825469

So tomorrow is my twenty-fourth birthday. If I could use one word to reflect on the year that has passed between my twenty-third birthday and now, it would be strength. I have found a strength that helps me to get back up when I fall. I have found an inner strength to do what I know I am meant to do, teach. The road to being a teacher is going to be a hard one but I know that my passion, dedication and strength will get me there.

I have also realised the importance of gratitude and appreciation of the little things that make me happy. It isn’t easy for me to be positive but I always try to think of at least three things I am grateful for each day. No matter how bad my day may be or how I feel about the direction of my life, I always try to step back and evaluate the blessings in my life rather than the imperfections.

Some days I do feel stuck, like the world is passing me by, the clock is ticking and I am no closer to getting the life I want, but I am learning now to stop, notice my negative thoughts, then change them. This is something I learned in therapy and I am starting to slowly apply it to my life.

I have to keep telling myself that my life path has its own timeline and what may take someone one year to do, may take me five, but it doesn’t matter. I strongly believe that in life ambition will lead you to success, perseverance will lead to positive actions and positivity will lead you to happiness. I remind myself on a daily basis of my goals and I always see each day as another small step towards achieving them.

My challenge for myself during the next year of my life (before I reach the grand old age of 25) is to start living in the present moment. This is something that I struggle with and is the root cause of my anxiety. With a combination of studying Buddhism, meditating and practicing yoga, I am slowly but surely on the way to learning how to be mindful and just ‘be’.

Another challenge in my path this following year will be balance. I know that when I start my teacher training in September (if I pass this maths test), I will struggle with the work-life balance. Finding time to relax and enjoy life, with the chaotic, stressful and challenging year of studying, working and learning.

Whatever happens in the 365 days between now and my twenty-fifth birthday, I hope that I find joy in the little things, I hope I learn to believe in myself more, to laugh, love and live each day with a positive attitude because life is passing me by and I don’t want to waste any more time worrying about things I can’t control or choosing to live an unhappy life or surrounding myself with people that don’t allow me to be the best version of myself.

Advertisements

My First Year At University

edgehill

A year ago I was deciding which university to go to and which course I wanted to study. It was a difficult time for me because I had to make a life choice that was going to effect the rest of my life. Leaving performing behind I decided to take a leap of faith and enrol on the Creative Writing course. I realised a sense of belonging from the moment I started my degree, I thought that being a performer was my life goal and I was too blind to see all along that I was meant to be a writer. I should have known this really, writing poems from the age of five and entering and winning many competitions could have been a big clue but I was sure of becoming an actress. After a lot of stress, tears and realisation I decided to try and achieve a different dream. My heart wasn’t in acting any more and I knew I had to try something different. Getting on the Creative Writing course was a task like no other. Originally combining Drama and Creative Writing I still wanted to hang on to performing. I passed the audition but was advised not to do both together by the university. A devastating blow I have to say. I had two different choices and I had to choose the one that would be the best for me.

I went with my heart in the end and chose to do Creative Writing course by itself. I’m not good at making decisions in life and I often wonder if it was the right choice. When arriving at university I knew it was. The first year of my degree is over and I have learnt so much about myself in the process. I always knew I had the ability to write but I didn’t realise the potential I held to beĀ  a professional writer. I have fully enjoyed learning about writing this year and I hope that my talent in writing grows even more to the standard it has to be, to be published. As for the moving away from home and living by myself part of moving to university. This is the part that scared me the most. I was dependant on my parents and I knew nothing about coping by myself.

I could have quite easily took a gap year before actually applying but I knew I had to challenge myself and dive into the pool of independence. Of course I was scared, terrified even. Sounds stupid now I know how easy it is but when you are eighteen and have no idea about washing, ironing, food shopping or managing money it’s quite the challenge. I knew I had to grow up quickly and I think this was in my favour, it was the right time too. I did get homesick and lonely at times but I started to love living by myself. It’s a novelty when you first arrive at university accommodation. Friends to hang out with all the time, going to the pub and having a few drinks and getting to know other people you are going to live with for the next year. However, by the time I reached the half way mark in the year I started to resent living here and I started to miss my family and friends back home. I don’t live far from the university and saw my family every two weeks and my boyfriend every weekend but still I was lacking something.

The novelty of living by myself started to wear off when the work load piled on top of me and I didn’t have the money to go out as often. I became a sensible student, budgeting and doing my work instead of having fun. I’m not necessarily saying it’s a bad thing. Most students I know have debts up to their eyeballs and are still smiling. If that was me my stress levels would be through the roof. I guess I like to take control of my life now I am independent. I like to go food shopping and buy what I want to buy, I only buy what I need and save up for a few weeks if there is a nice outfit or a pair of shoes I like. I don’t think students realise the sacrifices they need to make. This started to rub off on my friends and their opinion of me certainly turned to being annoyed. That’s what I think anyway. I started telling them what to do with their money and not to go out when they had work, I felt like their mother.

I’ve realised now it’s time to go home for the summer that I need to relax about money. I can still budget and not be too hard on myself. I have learned many life lessons in a short space of time and I feel wiser, mature and ready to take on anything that life throws at me. I’ve learnt that being on your own can be scary at first but it gets better. I’ve learnt that trying something new is a fun way of testing yourself and you could be surprised with the outcome. I’ve learnt not to trust people so easily. Friends may appear to be friends but you never really know what another person is thinking. Someone who I met at university, I called her my friend. Told her things about me in comfortable situations and most importantly, I trusted her. Never again will I trust so easily because lies can be well hidden. She’s not the person I thought she was but I’m ready to move on and forget about our friendship.

I know who my true friends are now. I’ve opened my eyes since being here. I’ve learnt that I can do anything I set my mind too if I just try. I never thought I would be here at this point in my life. I’m happy and I’m ready for all the possibilities that await me. My first year at university has shaped me into a different person than I once was. I’m the most confident I have ever been and even though I still have my bad days. I’ve finally started to believe in myself. And for me, that’s a miracle.