Love

love

 Love is stronger than momentary hate.

Love can do extraordinary things to a person. No one in this world is perfect, we all have our flaws and insecurities and we all have our own demons and selfish desires. But love changes you. When you fall in love you see perfection, no matter how hard you try to hate that person you just can’t. You may feel hate for a moment, you might feel angry or hurt or guilty but love soon bounces back like an elastic band. It’s like your heart is too invested in the love it feels it can no longer feel the opposite emotion.

I am a very fortunate person because I have experienced love, I am still experiencing love. It confuses me, even now. All it takes is one second, for your heart to be left open. For the right person, the right moment. You breathe in, you breathe out and you’re in love. It’s that simple. Well, that’s how it happened for me anyway but maybe love is different for everyone.

No one knows if they are ready for love, it just happens. In fairy tales and films we don’t see the darker side of love. I am not talking about the opposite emotion hate, I am talking about the other emotions that come with love. Guilt, jealousy, paranoia and fear – just to name a few. Love is something that I am fortunate to have though. Despite the downsides to falling in love and the downsides to being in a relationship, I am lucky.

A lot of people go through their entire lives searching for love, searching for that one person that makes them feel whole. Love can be dangerous because there is always that worry in the back of your mind – what if I lose that person? What if I get my heartbroken? Well, that’s just a risk you take. There are a lot of risks you have to take to accept love into your life.

Forgiveness is just another part of love, for a relationship to work you must have trust and forgiveness. If you have neither then be sure to have your heart smashed into a million little fragments because the love will definitely not last. Like a pyramid, forgiveness and trust have to support love to keep it in the air. I am a very forgiving person and I believe that everyone makes mistakes and sometimes you have to accept those flaws in a person. I love this wonderful person. He is smart, kind, funny and charming. Everything I have ever wanted and he makes me feel safe and loved.

However, I don’t like it when we fight, the heat rises, words are sharp and fists fly but that rarely ever happens. But when it does it could ruin everything that we have in an instant. I am willing to stay with the one I love because even though there are those times, where tears are shed and unforgivable actions occur – I love him. And love is stronger than the momentary hate you feel in that moment. Love is stronger than everything. If you believe with all of your heart and soul that going with your heart is the best thing – then go with your heart. I have always gone with my heart and it has only lead me down the right path – which is happiness.

The Good, The Bad & The Ugly

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As a writer you have to come to terms with the fact that not everyone is going to like your writing or what you have to say. There are the good comments that you receive that make your heart swell with pride, when you realise that you have found the perfect words and when you string them together it says everything that you want to say and more. The bad comments are often constructive criticism and that’s okay because every writer needs it. Whether its just a small criticism or an honest opinion it’s easy to take it to heart but you just have to realise that every criticism you receive will only make you become a better writer in the future. Then unfortunately there are ugly comments or nasty comments, when people go over the line and it becomes personal.

I have been writing music reviews at Female First and I am not a know-it-all when it comes to music, I love most genres of music and I know a vast amount of musical terms but this doesn’t make me an expert. I just get given the CD’s for the week and I have to listen to them and write a review. I got given a CD by an obscure band called Wax Idols, a modern punk band from California. I give every album a chance and I listen to it twice before I start to review it. I didn’t like it. It was that simple. So I wrote an honest review and gave it two stars. It is my job to be honest and to review the music I am given and I did just that. I was going through my reviews on the website and saw that I received two comments on my Demi Lovato album review and they both said ‘Good Review’ This made me smile because it’s proof that I must be doing a good job.

Then I looked at the other review I had done and because I had given it two stars there were several people that didn’t agree with me. Nasty comments that said that I shouldn’t have the job and it was the worst review they had ever read, it did upset me, of course it did. After I got upset about it though I realised that sometimes people are nasty and I shouldn’t take it to heart. If people don’t agree with what I wrote well that’s up to them. I am there to express my opinion. I know that I am a good writer. I just think fans of the band took what I wrote too seriously. I had to write the truth and the truth is I didn’t like it. I have to accept that I will not always get good feedback on my work and if I carry on writing opinionated pieces there are going to be people that don’t agree.

I am okay with that now. Being a writer means that you have to be vulnerable, open and confident about your opinions. You are putting everything you have into your words and when someone doesn’t like what you have to say it can knock your confidence and even though it knocked me down at first I am ready to get back up again.

When One Door Closes, Another Opens

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Something that amazes me about life, is how quickly it can change. How one decision can make a big impact on your future and how making the right one can change your perspective on the world. It also amazes me how quickly people can enter your life and how quickly they can leave, and as I get older I am becoming more acquainted with this process. I can cast my mind back to a couple of months ago for example and I realise how different my perspective was in that situation. This was a time when my head was full of questions and doubts about what I really wanted and I felt that everyone and everything around me was dragging me down. It was a dark place and I knew I had to take drastic action to achieve the happiness I knew I deserved.

A couple of months ago I was living with three other people, in student accommodation. I thought it was what I wanted, the student life. But, what happened was the people around me started to change and I felt like I was changing too and not in a good way. I guess I was caught up in my emotions, hoping for some salvation to bring a smile to my face. I had many things in my life that brought a smile to my face at that time, but the bad and stressful aspects of my life were starting to overshadow the light. I have learned now that people can have a powerful influence over you, without you really realising it. I was becoming a person I didn’t want to be. I complained about everything, all of the time. I was tired, fed up and lonely. I was surrounded by a sea of people but I still felt alone. I was unhappy and even considered quitting university. I knew after a while that I needed to make a big decision. To stay miserable, or do something about it.

Now I am many things, but immature is one thing that I am not. Of course I have my moments of immaturity. Times when I feel like a child, a free spirit of unlimited possibility. But when stepping up to my responsibilities, I think that I have a maturity wiser than my years. I guess it shows how much I have grown as a person since I became independent. Normally, I wouldn’t be able to reach that place in my mind where I think, ‘You know what I am unhappy and I am going to control this situation and do something about it.’ I feel strongly that I can do this now. I feel in control of my decisions and my life and even though it took me a while to accomplish this, I am glad I finally got to this place.

I look at the way my life is now and on bad days I do ponder about what I could be doing, or where I could be. I think that’s the problem with human beings. We can have everything, be blessed with a life full of joy and happiness – but it still isn’t enough. We always want more.  We always ask ‘what if.’ On good days, like today. I clear my mind of all negativity and say to myself ‘Life is good.’ Because it is. Lets face it. Life is beautiful. I think that we all dwell on the things we don’t have and forget about the things we do have. I have an amazing family. They might not be perfect and we all might not get along sometimes but I know that they will always be there for me when I need them. I have an amazing boyfriend. Someone who I know will be my future fiancé/husband/father of my children.. I can feel it in my bones, like an electricity of certainty and hope. I know he is the one person who will be with me on this journey that we call life. I have amazing friends. It’s funny how people who I thought were my friends (the three people I mentioned earlier) disappear like ghosts of the night when times get tough. I don’t waste my time on people like that any more.

I deserve to have friends in my life that understand me, accept me and love me for all of my flaws and insecurities. Since leaving those unworthy friends behind I have realised that my true friends were there all along, waiting for me to accept their friendship. I couldn’t be happier with the friends I have right now. I have old friends, that can only be described as stars in the sky. I might not always be able to see them but I know that they are always there for me. I think the most important thing for me to remember is I have a future that is bright. I can do anything that I want. I can be whoever I decide to be. I know I love to write. I know that I have a talent with words. I am not a big-headed person and never will be. But that is something that I truly believe. Writing is a talent that I truly believe in. I do not know where life is going to take me and once upon a time this used to be one of my biggest fears. But with all of these amazing people in my life I know that I will be okay, whatever I decide to do. I think the philosophy of life I now live by – comes down to these six words.

 ‘When one door closes, another opens..’

Impossible & Possible Dreams

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When we are little we have wide eyes when it comes to the world around us.. Eyes that are full of wonder and unimaginable possibilities like being a princess, an astronaut or a film star. But we grow out of these impossible dreams and start to wonder about the possible dreams we can reach. We realise that the world doesn’t owe us anything and we have to dream possible dreams rather than impossible ones. We realise that there isn’t a plan for each and everyone of us and we have to make our own decisions and our own mistakes. I have had my fair share of dreams and even though I am young I have changed my path more than I should have. But what happens when you are frozen and unable to realise your next dream? Waiting for the next calling to come along like warmth in the winter to show you the way? I feel this way at the moment. I am searching for another dream.

My youngest childhood dream was to be a mermaid, bare in mind I was three years old and I actually believed that Ariel was real and crabs really did sing, but that is my earliest memory of dreaming and I was quite an imaginative child. I grew up wanting to be a number of things, an actress on TV was a big dream of mine, I also wanted to be a poet at one point and I had a phase of wanting to be a fashion designer (I was unaware of the fact that I couldn’t draw at the time). When I was old enough to understand what I really wanted I settled on being an actress. The people around me knew it was very unlikely that it would happen but I was oblivious, ambitious and in my own bubble. I really wish I wasn’t in my own bubble though sometimes, I don’t regret having that dream or trying to reach it, I just think if I was a little less ambitious at such a young age, I would have released my potential to maybe excel in something else. But we learn from these experiences, I learnt that I was ‘acting’ confident when I was performing and I was ‘acting’ like someone I wanted to be but I wasn’t being true to myself.

Since quitting performing I have realised this, I wasn’t being my true self and even though as a result my confidence has suffered, I realised that it was a pipe dream, that’s all it was ever going to be. I then decided to take a leap of faith and do a creative writing degree, I wrote as a hobby and I wanted to go to university to pursue a career in my passion. Sometimes I feel a little pinch of regret, I rushed into studying at university and I know that I do not have another option to go back, if I wish to change career paths again. I know there are many different jobs I can get with my degree, once I complete it. Publishing, journalism, article writing, marketing and advertising, editor and many more. I would love to be a novelist but it is simply a hobby, you can not make a living from it. Unless you are J K Rowling then maybe you can. I feel like I am stuck at the moment and I don’t know what to do next. Dream wise that is.

For the first time I have no impossible dream, no goal and no drive. I just want to be happy in the future, of course I want kids and a nice house and a good job. But the good job is blank in my mind, like a white piece of paper with no inscription. I have no dream to reach and I am finding it difficult because dreaming big is what defines me. It is a big part of my personality. I am a dreamer. I know I should let the future write itself but I am a perfectionist, I like to be in control. I need to start thinking about my future soon because it waits for no one, not even me. Maybe it will hit me one day, maybe I will realise what my purpose is and what I should be doing?

I know I love to write. I know I love to sing. I know I love to play the guitar. But all of these things remain hobbies because I haven’t got the confidence to pursue any of them. It saddens me that I will never be what I truly want to be, a singer-songwriter. I believe that I don’t have enough talent, I believe that I don’t have the skills and I believe that it is an unreachable dream. I feel like I have grown out of these childlike dreams and I need to find something that will satisfy my creative urges but also be achievable. I always knew that this would happen. There are only so many impossible dreams you can pass through before you have to decide on a possible one. I am searching for another dream. But right now I think I should focus on the present and trust life for once. Trust that things will be okay and I will find another dream. A possible dream. One day.

Unexpected Situations.

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So yesterday something unexpected happened. I guess I finally realised how horrible some people can be. I mean what sort of person would purposefully hurt someone else, a stranger, someone they had never met? Well, these people exist and I am ashamed to say this person assaulted me whilst I was on the bus. I was getting on the bus, just like I do all of the time, when this girl starts verbally attacking me for no reason, she started to listen to my private conversation that I was having with a friend, she chose to make comments on what I was saying, my appearance and threatened to snap my glasses in half if I carried on looking at her.

I of course asked her what her problem was, I only received more grief. I decided to ignore her from this point by putting my earphones in, but she sat down next to me, tried to take my I pod so I pushed her away. She punched me twice in the face. I didn’t expect it. I didn’t even feel pain. I just froze. Do you know what really disgusts me about this unpleasant experience? It disgusts me that no one, not one person on the bus helped me. Not one. They all just watched. Even when she got off the bus. No one did anything. At this point I had lost all faith in humanity. No one helped me. I felt helpless and I was in shock for quite a while, the update now is that I have filed a report to the police. Hopefully the CCTV has caught her on tape. Even if they do not catch her I am still glad that I told the police.

I guess I have always been the sort of person that walks around in a bubble. Not really noticing things around me. Especially not possible threats or people that are a danger to me. I knew that things like this happened in the world, to other people. But not to me. I never expected it to happen to me. I guess it has made me realise what sort of world we are living in now. It’s a cruel world that is full of cruel people and I really hope that it doesn’t happen to me again. We live in a society now that doesn’t care and it is only going to get worse. I just feel sorry for the next generation and the generation after that. I can’t prepare myself for the unexpected because life just doesn’t work that way. But I can learn lessons. Life is full of lessons. Even if we do not realise what we have learnt from them straight away.

The lesson I have learnt from this experience is to try and be more aware of the world around me. To realise that not all people have kind hearts like me and actually have a desire to help people. People mistake kindness for weakness and I have learnt that I need to stand up for myself a bit more. Be more confident when it comes to confrontation instead of shying away from the difficult situations I come across. Yesterday something unexpected happened and I’m just going to try and forget about it an move on. She didn’t hurt me and I’m probably never going to see her again. I still can’t believe that someone would do that but I guess it’s because I see the good in people rather than the bad and I think, no matter how hard I try – that isn’t going to change because that’s just me.

I may be a flawed human being with my own struggles and my own views on this crazy world but I would never physically hurt another person intentionally. It just isn’t me and I am proud of who I am. I am a good person and even though good people sometimes finish last. Karma will hit that bitch straight in the face one day and I strongly believe that 🙂

Change

Everyone in life is a victim of change. Some changes are good and some are bad but we all face them one way or another. I was once afraid of change, I have to admit. I liked the way my life was and I didn’t want change in my life, I was worried that it might jeopardise my happiness. I’m the typical negative thinker when it comes to any drastic changes and I know that there is other people out there that do the same. Whenever we have to make any decision we think about the positive and negative outcomes naturally but some people favour one outcome. I am ashamed to say that I favour the negative and I hate this about myself.

Whether it be starting a university, a new course with new people, scared and living alone for the first time or losing a friend that you thought would be there for you always. Whatever the change is in your life, it’s the way you deal with it reflects you as a person. If there is one thing I could change about the way my mind works it would simply be this, stop thinking negative thoughts. The first thought that came into my head when I moved away from home was – how am I going to cope? Not very positive considering it’s the biggest change that has took place in my life, so far. I have tried to change the way I look at things in life but I just can’t seem to silence the negative voice in my head. It niggles away at my self confidence, stops me from believing in myself and most importantly it doesn’t open my eyes to the opportunities that could arise in my life.

If I have any advice for anyone who is reading this or is feeling the same way I feel about change then simply think positive! It sounds difficult and trust me, it is. I wish that I could think positively rather than negatively, I would be a much better person and I strongly believe that. There are no bad choices in life, if you go down the wrong path or make a decision you shouldn’t have made, you will learn from it and use that lesson in the future. I don’t regret any of my decisions in my life so far because they have made me who I am today. I’m on a thoughtful day today. I was reliving in my head all that I have achieved in the last, lets call it a year of my life.

I’m no longer afraid of change, but the negative thoughts still swim around my mind when I think about the future. I know I have a full life ahead of me, new people to meet, new places to discover and a whole world to learn from. I have a clear picture in my mind of my future and what frightens me the most is what if the visions I imagine don’t happen? I hope that one day I can let go of the demons that pull me down, the negative way I approach decisions and changes and most of all I hope that one day, when I’m faced with a bigger change than I have faced already, I deal with it in a positive light.

In the words of James Allen.
Change your thoughts, change your life.”