When we are little we have wide eyes when it comes to the world around us.. Eyes that are full of wonder and unimaginable possibilities like being a princess, an astronaut or a film star. But we grow out of these impossible dreams and start to wonder about the possible dreams we can reach. We realise that the world doesn’t owe us anything and we have to dream possible dreams rather than impossible ones. We realise that there isn’t a plan for each and everyone of us and we have to make our own decisions and our own mistakes. I have had my fair share of dreams and even though I am young I have changed my path more than I should have. But what happens when you are frozen and unable to realise your next dream? Waiting for the next calling to come along like warmth in the winter to show you the way? I feel this way at the moment. I am searching for another dream.
My youngest childhood dream was to be a mermaid, bare in mind I was three years old and I actually believed that Ariel was real and crabs really did sing, but that is my earliest memory of dreaming and I was quite an imaginative child. I grew up wanting to be a number of things, an actress on TV was a big dream of mine, I also wanted to be a poet at one point and I had a phase of wanting to be a fashion designer (I was unaware of the fact that I couldn’t draw at the time). When I was old enough to understand what I really wanted I settled on being an actress. The people around me knew it was very unlikely that it would happen but I was oblivious, ambitious and in my own bubble. I really wish I wasn’t in my own bubble though sometimes, I don’t regret having that dream or trying to reach it, I just think if I was a little less ambitious at such a young age, I would have released my potential to maybe excel in something else. But we learn from these experiences, I learnt that I was ‘acting’ confident when I was performing and I was ‘acting’ like someone I wanted to be but I wasn’t being true to myself.
Since quitting performing I have realised this, I wasn’t being my true self and even though as a result my confidence has suffered, I realised that it was a pipe dream, that’s all it was ever going to be. I then decided to take a leap of faith and do a creative writing degree, I wrote as a hobby and I wanted to go to university to pursue a career in my passion. Sometimes I feel a little pinch of regret, I rushed into studying at university and I know that I do not have another option to go back, if I wish to change career paths again. I know there are many different jobs I can get with my degree, once I complete it. Publishing, journalism, article writing, marketing and advertising, editor and many more. I would love to be a novelist but it is simply a hobby, you can not make a living from it. Unless you are J K Rowling then maybe you can. I feel like I am stuck at the moment and I don’t know what to do next. Dream wise that is.
For the first time I have no impossible dream, no goal and no drive. I just want to be happy in the future, of course I want kids and a nice house and a good job. But the good job is blank in my mind, like a white piece of paper with no inscription. I have no dream to reach and I am finding it difficult because dreaming big is what defines me. It is a big part of my personality. I am a dreamer. I know I should let the future write itself but I am a perfectionist, I like to be in control. I need to start thinking about my future soon because it waits for no one, not even me. Maybe it will hit me one day, maybe I will realise what my purpose is and what I should be doing?
I know I love to write. I know I love to sing. I know I love to play the guitar. But all of these things remain hobbies because I haven’t got the confidence to pursue any of them. It saddens me that I will never be what I truly want to be, a singer-songwriter. I believe that I don’t have enough talent, I believe that I don’t have the skills and I believe that it is an unreachable dream. I feel like I have grown out of these childlike dreams and I need to find something that will satisfy my creative urges but also be achievable. I always knew that this would happen. There are only so many impossible dreams you can pass through before you have to decide on a possible one. I am searching for another dream. But right now I think I should focus on the present and trust life for once. Trust that things will be okay and I will find another dream. A possible dream. One day.